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The power of pretending to be someone you’re not

There’s a lot of power in pretending to be someone you’re not.

We all have a lot of potential in our heads.

But at any time, we only give ourselves so much permission.

Over time, certain patterns of behavior and thinking become routine… and we start to believe that’s who we are.

But we still have a lot of potential in our heads.

And pretending to be someone you’re not is really all about giving yourself permission.

Today, I told myself to be someone who finds everyday things not a big deal.

To not react to other people… to small complications or injuries… to negative thoughts.

It made me feel good.

It changed how i walked.

Maybe it will even change how i find approaching girls – because it’s really not a big deal.

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Punishing bad behavior

A girl walked by me today.

“Aaah,” I said. I turned, followed her hesitantly, watched her walk across the street.

I was letting her get away.

Then I told myself, “Don’t give in to hesitation.” I ran after her. I approached. We had a nice interaction.

My point is this:

Teach yourself that hesitation doesn’t get you anything. You will still approach.

It’s like punishing bad behavior. Or showing your body that bad behavior doesn’t get it what it wants.

Hesitation doesn’t mean you won’t approach. You can hesitate. And you will still approach.

Your body is like a badly behaved puppy, and you have to take control and show it that it will work with you, instead of doing what it wants.

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Repulsive approach logistics

I saw a good looking girl today dressed in a cool raincoat.

She was heading down a large but empty street. I wanted to approach.But…

I realized that by the time I got to her, she would be in front of a cafe. A dozen tables were set up outside, with people at each table. I would have to approach with that big audience within earshot.

I let her go.

So I wrote a note to myself:

Large audience or small. Walking audience or stationary.

You have to be the one to suck up the tension and approach regardless. If you can do that, you get so many bonus points.

If you cannot, you get nothing… or at best a weak approach. Seek out the situations where the approach is repulsive.

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The best inner game cure for approach resistance that I’ve found

I’ve struggled with approach resistance forever.

Not anxiety… but resistance. Many times I simply cannot will myself to approach.

I’ve tried lots of different things to get around the resistance, but the only ones that work reliably are 1) being on a roll, having momentum from other approaches, and other days of approaching and 2) going out with a wing.

But there is something I’ve done recently, and it’s made a huge difference.

It goes back to Maxwell Maltz’s book Psycho-Cybernetics. Maltz says, you do not have to pick up the phone.

What he means is, there are lots of disturbing and distracting things happening both inside you and outside you. You don’t have to react to them. And that’s made all the difference.

As I’m walking around, my brain is constantly producing ringing alarms.

“I will approach”

“I won’t approach”

“Her”

“Not her”

“People are watching”

“I’ve gotten into a negative mindset”

etc.

When I catch myself saying anything to myself, I remember Maltz’s ringing phone. I treat these ideas as an alarm that my helpful brain decided to turn on. And I simply ignore it, leaving it behind me as I walk along.

“You do not have to pick up the phone”

What’s left after you don’t pick up the phone? The actual world around you, and your own ability to deal with it and react to it, without pre-meditated panic or determination.

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My own pattern interrupt

I first heard the term “pattern interrupt” in marketing circles. It’s used to describe a surprising idea that gets people’s attention at the start of a sales pitch:

“Don’t read this message!”

“12 years ago, I cut off my finger.”

“In exactly 1,248 words, I’ll try to sell you something. And you will love me for it.”

That kind of thing.

But a few weeks ago, while listening to some Tony Robbins tapes, I found out what a pattern interrupt really is. It comes from NLP. I don’t know much about NLP, but based on what Tony Robbins said, there’s an NLP theory about how you can achieve personal change quickly.

It takes just three simple steps.

First, you get leverage. In other words, you figure out an overwhelming reason why you want to change, and why you want to change now.

Second, when a pattern of behavior (or thinking) that you want to change comes up, you interrupt it.

How?

Well, anything can work, as long as it breaks you out of that dustdevil of repeated, unproductive thoughts and actions. For example, you could pinch yourself. You could make some nonsense noise. You could sit down if you’re standing up, or stand up if you’re sitting down.

Or you could do what I did today, while doing daygame.

I was walking around, and I passed a girl I could have easily approached. I knew I had missed an opportunity. And a familiar jumble of thoughts started popping up somewhere in the back of my mind.

So I just told myself, “Cut it out.”

Maybe that sounds simplistic. But I did it with the specific goal of interrupting my negative pattern, and replacing it with a new, more positive pattern. That’s the third step of achieving personal change quickly.

And this simple approach worked to change my behavior. I did an approach at the very next opportunity, a young biker/lawyer-looking chick who was startled and pleased to have me come talk to her.

So try a pattern interrupt yourself if you find yourself engaging in thoughts or behavior that you want to change. And if you want to know how to construct a new, better pattern to replace your bad pattern with, well, that’s a topic I’ll cover another day.

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The power of checklists

Lately, I’ve been thinking about the power of checklists, systems, and processes.

You make a plan. You test it out. You adapt the plan based on results.

The key is to actually have a formal plan, rather than just a vague notion that changes as the situation changes.

So that’s what I’ve done. I’ve just made a basic checklist for getting my approaches done. It doesn’t have much in it yet, but I will test it out tomorrow. And based on that, I will either be successful, or I will update my checklist. If you want to read it yourself, here it is:

https://guttergame.com/overcoming-resistance-checklist

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10 places you can sneak a spare daygame approach

1. outside of the grocery store, when you spotted a cute girl while waiting in line, and she got done with the checkout before you

2. while walking to the gym

3. while walking from the gym, assuming you can jog. if not, walk very persistently.

4. after getting up, while going for a walk in the morning.

5. on the way to meet somebody at the coffee shop

6. while driving. why not pull over, put the emergency lights on, and run over to the girl very quickly?

7. when seeing a girl who’s walking her dog. assuming it’s not a dangerous dog.

8. when spotting a tourist girl walking by herself.

9. while carrying your groceries from the market. perhaps at the market itself. perhaps on the way.

10. when going out to meet friends in the evening.

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12 reasons why I hate daygame weekends

1. The city is empty compared to weekdays.

2. The few streets where there are people are too crowded.

3. Everybody’s paired up in couples instead of walking nice and alone.

4. Nobody is out in the morning when I like to go out, and I have to wait for the midday heat.

5. Shopping malls? Does everybody live in a shopping mall during the weekend?

6. The weekends really only come alive in the evening. And that’s when I go to bed.

7. I feel like more of a stalker on a weekend than on the weekdays.

8. If I do run into daygame competition, it’s more likely to happen on the weekend.

9. If I do run into random other streetside competition, like gypsies trying to get you to sign a petition for the deaf so they can claim you owe them money, it’s more likely to happen on the weekend.

10. Everybody goes to family lunches.

11. On Sunday’s there’s church. How can you chase girls with implied offers of sex when they are on their way to church? I’m not Giaccomo Casanova.

12. I lose all my momentum and routine that I built up during the week.

Anyways, that’s my whining rant. And 12 reasons I didn’t approach today.

None of which are good enough.

And now the question becomes, what will I do to adapt? Hhow will I problem-solve, so this doesn’t happen again?

Maybe this weekend conundrum isn’t relevant to you. But odds are you’ve got some sticking points, too. So don’t copy my rant above if it doesn’t apply to you. But do copy my attitude of finding a way to adapt and to move across, around, or through whatever barrier is in front of you right now.

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The magically disappearing daygame audience

I was on an abandoned street today when I saw a little blonde girl coming towards me.

She seemed mean.

To make things worse, there was a man walking a few steps behind her. He would be certain to see my making my daygame approach.

Somehow, I steeled myself and turned around and ran in front of the girl.

She turned out to be very sweet. A Finnish girl, in town for a few more hours, before she leaves for a sailing trip. We talked and she seemed a little sad when I let her go. It was stupid of me — I should at least gotten her contacts so we could stay in touch.

But the real point happened afterwards.

Because I realized the guy who was walking behind her completely disappeared.

He must have passed while I was talking to the girl. But I didn’t see him at all.

That’s part of the 100% commitment that should be there for every approach.

And it’s a little lesson for for the next time you think there’s an audience and it’s keeping you from approaching. These people can vanish magically. All you have to do is to make a 100% committed approach.

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The most tired word in the daygame lexicon

I was walking around the city today, in between daygame approaches, and I had a few moments where my thoughts melted away.

I was just looking at the street around me, feeling the air, enjoying the buildings and the summer light.

I was what you might call “present.”

Now over the past 10-15 years I’ve gotten really tired of this worn-out word. I’m tired of the big and unsupported promises that are made for mindfulness and being present.

But still, there is a lot of value in trying to be a little more present if you are doing daygame. For example, in overcoming approach anxiety, or what I tend to suffer from, approach resistance.

Not that you cannot approach if you’re not present.

But almost by definition, anxiety happens by imagining the future.

And so if you are present, you won’t get anxiety. Simple as that.

So how do you get more present and stop thinking about the future?

Well, you beat yourself whenever you notice your thoughts wondering off. “STOP IT!” you say to yourself.

And you find some local thing to focus your thoughts on instead. Of course, it won’t work. Not this time. And probably, not the next time, either. But over a longer period, you might find yourself thinking about the future less, and therefore feeling less anxious.

And therefore approaching more easily.