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How to deal with awkwardness, courtesy of Style PUA

I saw an interview once with Neil Strauss aka Style.

The interviewer, Andrew Warner, was nervous for some reason. He admitted this to Neil and asked for advice. Makes sens, since Neil is a master interviewer himself, on top of being a big-name PUA.

“You’ve already done the best thing you could,” Neil said. “When there’s something hanging in the air, it’s best to call it out.”

This applies when you’re the one being nervous or awkward… and in other situations, too.

Like today, when I went out for daygame. Two of the girls I approached reacted a little off.

One got cold and defensive when she realized what was going on.

The other simply seemed so shocked that she couldn’t say anything.

In both cases, I kept going with my little spiel as though nothing odd is happening.

Which is an ok strategy in an instance of awkwardness.

But a better strategy might be to do what Neil suggested:

Be in the moment…

Be aware of what’s happening…

And simply call it out.

TO THE COLD, DEFENSIVE GIRL: “Oh I like how you got so serious right now. It’s like you’re getting ready for a fight.”

TO THE SHOCKED GIRL: “I feel a little like an extraterrestrial. You’re looking at me like you can’t believe this is really happening.”

Don’t be judgmental or accusatory if you do this.

Instead, be amused. Friendly. And give the girl a chance to change her mind and get back into the conversation.

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The tension trap for overeager daygamers

When I was in junior high school, we read a story which applies strangely to daygame, too.

It was about a boy who hunted raccoons. So his grandpa gave him some advice.

“Put a shiny coin in a hole in a log,” grandpa said. “The clever racoon will see it and will reach in to get it out.”

“Oh yeah, old man?” said the grandson. “So what?”

“The racoon is a greedy creature,” said the grandfather. “So he won’t let go of that shiny coin. And that’s why he won’t be able to get his paw out of the hole. It’s a perfect trap.”

“You’re a perfect old fogey,” said the grandson, “and I’ve had enough of your ramblings.”

It was a long time ago that I read that story, and I’m not sure about the exact dialogue. But I thought of it just now because I was reviewing my daygame session from today.

I was struggling for a good part of it.

And at one point, I sat down on a bench and had a dialogue with myself, which was almost as nasty as the one above between the grandson and grandfather.

NEGATIVE ME: “Why don’t you go home and stop fooling yourself?”

POSITIVE ME: “Because I want to stay out and get the approaches done that I’d planned.”

NEGATIVE ME: “Sure you do. But you’re not doing shit. So what’s gonna change?”

POSITIVE ME: “I’ll do a quick approach right now. I’ll break through my approach resistance!”

And so I stopped debating with myself, and I started walking around, determined to find a girl to approach.

But it turns out that’s almost always a mistake, at least in my case.

When I get all determined like I did today, all that happens is that I become physically and mentally tense. And I make it even harder for myself to approach.

I’m like that stupid racoon who won’t let go of the shiny thing, and who keeps being trapped with his paw in the log.

Relaxing and letting go of the determination to approach — right here, right now, the very next girl who comes up — actually makes it easier to approach, and more likely that I will succeed.

And maybe, if you suffer from similar racoon tendencies as I do, this will help you as well.

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Moving forward on the daygame treadmill

How quickly the mind and body adapt.

Today I went out for daygame. My goal was to do 6 approaches.

But the city was dead. I walked around for an hour and a half and I did 3 approaches. Not because I was letting tons of opportunities pass. There simply weren’t that many girls out.

So eventually, I conceded there’s no sense in continuing to punish myself. And I went home.

I felt shitty about it. I’d been meeting all my daygame quotas since I got back on the horse…

And here I was failing for the first time.

How quickly the body and the mind adapt.

Because today I did 3 approaches, and they were all fairly solid.

Only 3 days ago, I would have been super pleased by squeezing this result out of myself. Not any more though.

But this isn’t a sermon about how we’re all spinning our wheels on the hedonic treadmill, and how you should be happy with whatchu got.

Instead, I just want to remind myself, and perhaps you, dear reader, that this same principle goes in a forward direction, too. Specifically:

The things that seem hard or even impossible today…

Such as stopping that snobby-looking, perfectly dressed, fast-moving, large-titted blonde, in the middle of a crowd…

Will be second nature soon, and maybe in just a few days.

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Shimmying up the daygame rope

I was weak and whiny as a child, and I didn’t do well in any school sports.

So for example, I absolutely hated climbing a gym rope.

“How?” I would say. I’d grab the rope and pull for a second, but my hands would burn and my arms would give up. Of course, if the gym teacher was a little more helpful, he could have pointed out the standard rope climbing technique:

You hold the rope with your hands…

You jump up off the ground…

You wrap your feet around the rope and use that to support yourself…

And then you use your legs to shimmy yourself up, while grabbing with your hands a little higher up the rope. And in this way, the whole process repeats, half a foot higher up. Now onto daygame:

I’m finally approaching.

But many of the girls I approach genuinely get startled or even scared.

Maybe it’s that girls around here really aren’t used to strangers. But more likely, it’s just that I am coming in stiff, jerky, and forced. Fortunately, the standard rope climbing technique applies to daygame as well. It goes like this:

You plaster your best imitation of a Duchenne smile on your face…

You come in a little slower, louder, and larger than you normally would…

And you maintain eye contact at what feels like a psychotic level.

Do this consciously a few times, and your internal state will adjust as well. You will become a little less stiff, jerky, and forced. And then the whole process repeats, half a foot higher up along the daygame rope.

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The first step after breaking through approach resistance

Yesterday, I read a confession on Reddit from a girl who is finally enjoying sex.

“He’s having sex with ME,” she wrote enthusiastically about her new boyfriend, “not just having sex.”

It’s the same with daygame.

The last few days, I’ve just been trying to break through my severe, Berlin-Wall-like approach resistance.

And I’ve made some progress. Partly, it was because I made it so easy on myself.

“Hello, I just want to tell you something… [panting]… I just saw you and I thought you looked very nice. Now goodbye.”

Girls usually look curious and interested when I start this little spiel. But they often look disappointed by the end.

Because I’m just racking up approaches. I’m not making any kind of connection and I’m not really complimenting them specifically.

The good news is, it’s easy to do better than this.

You simply say the magic word “because.” As in:

“I thought you looked nice because this striped shirt gives you a sailory, seaside look.”

If you are currently overwhelmed with approach resistance — as I have been — then even this small twist might be overwhelming.

If that’s where you’re at, fuck it. Just tell the girl she looks nice and stare. Or leave.

But as soon as you get past the worst approach resistance, make a point of interacting with the girl, by talking about her specifics and genuinely complimenting her.

It will make her feel much better. This will transfer to you as well, and make the rough experience of daygame approaching a tiny bit easier.

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Daygame is the worst way to meet women

I saw her as soon as I left the house this morning:

A young, pretty girl walking up the street.

So I started running.

“I know you’re in a rush,” I said. “I just wanted to tell you you look nice.”

“Thank you,” she said. And she walked away.

I felt a bit of relief. I had done the first approach of the day.

A few minutes later, I approached a fancily dressed law office clerk. We talked for ten seconds. Then I walked around, feeling a growing chasm inside myself. I finally approached a third girl — one with a big jaw and a big ass — who was barrelling down the street and only slowed down a bit to say “thank you.”

I had met my quota for the day. I had done three approaches that went nowhere.

And that’s daygame.

It probably won’t go anywhere. You will probably weird many girls out. Your own reaction will probably be negative many times.

Because daygame is terrible.

It really is the worst way to meet women.

It’s constant emotional turmoil. Even if you keep it up, some part of this always remains.

Like I said, terrible.

There’s no reason to do this to yourself.

Unless, that is, you’ve set foolish and maniacal goals for yourself. Such as total self-mastery and complete social freedom.

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Slow-as-fuck daygame

Today, I spent around three hours walking around the city. By the end of those three hours, I had amassed a total of two daygame approaches.

And I’m ok with that.

In these stupid, early days of getting back on the daygame horse, I remind myself of a story I’d read about the founders of AirBnb. Back when AirBnb was just starting out, the two founders would fly around the country non-stop. They would visit listings in different towns and personally help the owners take better photos of their houses and apartments.

Super fucking slow. Really unscalable. But who cares? It was just the beginning. It was necessary back then. And it was critical in their ultimate success.

Well, that’s where I’m at right now. I’m sucking. I struggled to even make those two approaches.

I went out for an hour in the morning. Nothing.

I went out again in the afternoon. Nothing… More nothing… Time passed… I sat on a bench… I kept writing notes, telling myself how I will probably fail.

And then I saw the same girl I had let pass at the very start of the session. I approached. She was Argentinian. And ready enough to talk.

Another hour later, and I had somehow squeezed out a second approach.

Pathetic? Yes. Costly, too. I sacrificed work and going to the gym so I could do it.

But it’s something I’ve accepted. And if you too go out for daygame, and are stuck because of approach resistance, then allow yourself as much time as it takes. Because during these early struggles, a deadline doesn’t help. At least that’s what I’ve found.

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Why you’re probably not cut out for daygame

For months now, I’ve been going on the street, trying to approach girls through daygame. No success.

So today, I finally told myself:

Today will probably be no different than all the other days you’ve gone out. You probably will not approach. You’ll probably just walk around for a bit, past enough pretty, single girls to feel you’ve done something, and then you’ll go home, telling yourself that you will do better tomorrow.

I balked a bit at this. But then I did pass some pretty, single girls. And nothing happened. So I told myself the truth once more:

You probably are too old. And not just because many girls will think you’re too old and will find it weird. But also because you’ve gone for too long without approaching, because you’ve gotten too fixed in your ways, because you’re not flexible enough, because you don’t have life-drive enough.

I didn’t want to believe this is true. So when I saw a pretty girl, walking all alone, I asked myself whether I will approach her. And I gave myself an honest answer:

You probably won’t. Who knows why. Perhaps you’re too weak. Or too broken. Or too neurotic. Perhaps you’re not a good enough problem solver to figure out a way out of whatever is blocking you. Whatever the reason, odds are that you won’t approach anyone today. And the odds won’t improve tomorrow.

Sure enough, that girl passed, and I didn’t approach.

So I started to walk home.

Right before I got home, I saw a tall, leggy, dark-haired girl carrying a package of toilet paper she’d just bought at the store.

I stopped myself. I turned. I started running. Where the hell was I running?

I ran in front of the girl. I motioned her to stop, and I bloodlessly told her she looks nice. She lit up with a smile.

I left without even saying goodbye.

But I did approach.

So now what? Well, now I’m telling myself:

You’ll go out tomorrow, first thing in the morning. And your goal will be to approach two girls, one more than you did today. Of course, you probably won’t actually approach two girls. You probably won’t even approach one. You’ll probably walk around, pass some girls, let them pass, and settle back into the same state in which you’ve been stuck for weeks and months. Today was probably just a fluke.

If you dig in and look at yourself honestly, you will probably find a similar self-pep talk waiting for you to give it to yourself. Because the truth is, just like me, you’re probably not cut out for daygame.

Probably. But maybe you’ll surprise yourself after all.