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The daygame priority hierarchy

I went out on the streets today to do daygame after a week-long break.

My goal was to do 3 approaches.

I only did 1.

Because that first approach was a pretty Portuguese girl who was looking for a cafe. We started talking, had a coffee together, spent the next 40 minutes together, and made plans to hang out in the afternoon.

I didn’t feel guilty heading home after that.

And I was grateful that I hadn’t been stupid enough in the morning to simply tell her, “Yeah, the cafe’s that way, just keep walking and you’ll find it, bye.”

An instant date takes priority over more new approaches.

A new girl takes priority over a girl you’ve already seen.

Experiences that stretch you, or positive experiences that build your state, take priority over mindless (though important) routine practice.

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10 things I learned from a mini-honeymoon with a 21-year-old girl

I just came back from a 5-day trip with a 21-year-old girl I met through daygame a year ago. Here are some things I learned in these 5 days:

1. Women mature faster than men. And some women, such as this 21-year-old, are more mature and experienced than most 40-year-old guys I know.

2. Some people have a problem with impulse control. It’s common in teenagers. But it can stick around even later. This girl could go wild — drinking, drugs, partying. She knew it and she didn’t mind. The next day, she would just laugh about it. “Why am I like this?”

3. Every time i need motivation for daygame, I should remember this experience. I met this girl a year ago on the street in my home town. We talked for 5 minutes, then went on an instant date for 30 minutes. She was just passing through and her plane left in a couple of hours. I took her contacts and we stayed in touch over the last year. And now we met up in a foreign city and had a great 5 days together.

4. Cocaine is a common drug among party goers, even in Europe.

5. There is a class of girls who are looking for fun, very openly. Sex is part of that fun. But it’s not all they want.

6. Some girls genuinely have a thing for older men.

7. Sex at age 15 with your father’s best friend, who is close to 40, doesn’t have to be traumatic or scar a girl for life. In fact it’s possible the girl will grow up to  be happy and stable.

8. My own sex drive, which I have been suspicious of lately, seems to get back to healthy levels when I have a limited-time opportunity to have sex with a new girl.

9. Girls can get too drunk to care much about sex.

10. There’s a whole world of fun and adventure and affection out there. It doesn’t seem like it when I sit alone at home for weeks. but it’s true.

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6-day hiatus

I’m traveling over the next 6 days. There won’t be any daygame — I think. And I won’t be posting here until next Wednesday, when I will attempt to get back on the regular daygame horse.

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The magically disappearing daygame audience

I was on an abandoned street today when I saw a little blonde girl coming towards me.

She seemed mean.

To make things worse, there was a man walking a few steps behind her. He would be certain to see my making my daygame approach.

Somehow, I steeled myself and turned around and ran in front of the girl.

She turned out to be very sweet. A Finnish girl, in town for a few more hours, before she leaves for a sailing trip. We talked and she seemed a little sad when I let her go. It was stupid of me — I should at least gotten her contacts so we could stay in touch.

But the real point happened afterwards.

Because I realized the guy who was walking behind her completely disappeared.

He must have passed while I was talking to the girl. But I didn’t see him at all.

That’s part of the 100% commitment that should be there for every approach.

And it’s a little lesson for for the next time you think there’s an audience and it’s keeping you from approaching. These people can vanish magically. All you have to do is to make a 100% committed approach.

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Is this the best stationary daygame opener?

Here’s a problem:

I only really feel comfortable approaching girls using the Yad stop.

It’s not a HUGE problem, because most girls in the city are walking. But not all.

Some are sitting. Some are standing around.

Now it seems like the typical daygame routine would work just as well on stationary girls. And I have used it, and it can work.

But I also feel like there’s something off.

I just watched a video from Yad where he’s basically saying, “Don’t go direct in your opener with stationary girls.”

Instead, says Yad, use a cheeky situational opener (“Is this the best coffee shop in all of New York?”) and count on your vibe to make it clear to the girl there’s something sexy going on.

I’ll have to try this.

But I’m still not 100% convinced.

Because another master of daygame, Jim Camp, will tell you that in any negotiation, you don’t ever want to take away your adversary’s right to say no.

If you do, you make them uncomfortable. And you won’t reach a long-term solution that way.

Stopping a girl who’s walking on the street completely preserves her right to say no. She can always say, “Thank, but I’ve really got to go.” And then she can leave.

Not so with a stationary girl. So how to preserve her right to say no, without weakly verbalizing it? I don’t know, but I’ll keep searching for an answer.

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The most tired word in the daygame lexicon

I was walking around the city today, in between daygame approaches, and I had a few moments where my thoughts melted away.

I was just looking at the street around me, feeling the air, enjoying the buildings and the summer light.

I was what you might call “present.”

Now over the past 10-15 years I’ve gotten really tired of this worn-out word. I’m tired of the big and unsupported promises that are made for mindfulness and being present.

But still, there is a lot of value in trying to be a little more present if you are doing daygame. For example, in overcoming approach anxiety, or what I tend to suffer from, approach resistance.

Not that you cannot approach if you’re not present.

But almost by definition, anxiety happens by imagining the future.

And so if you are present, you won’t get anxiety. Simple as that.

So how do you get more present and stop thinking about the future?

Well, you beat yourself whenever you notice your thoughts wondering off. “STOP IT!” you say to yourself.

And you find some local thing to focus your thoughts on instead. Of course, it won’t work. Not this time. And probably, not the next time, either. But over a longer period, you might find yourself thinking about the future less, and therefore feeling less anxious.

And therefore approaching more easily.

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The fundamental rule about getting better at daygame

Since I have been sucking at getting myself to approach for the past few days, I told myself to start from the beginning and just approach one girl today.

And I did, a girl who I suspect might be in training to be a nun. (No joke, she was right in front of the cathedral early in the morning, and though she looked nice, she was also more buttoned up and covered up than just about any other girl in the city.)

So I had done what I set out to do. I did one approach. But then I did another. Because the fundamental rule of getting better at daygame is:

Do 10% more.

10% more of what? Here are some ideas:

1. Do 10% more approaches than you had planned (round up)

2. Keep eye contact 10% longer than you feel comfortable

3. Speak 10% deeper and slower than you feel is natural

4. Make the girl stick around 10% longer than she says she can

5. Do 10% more assumptions — even when you feel you’ve given it your all

6. Vacuum for 10% longer than you feel is ok

7. Be 10% more of a cocky, smirky, oversexed asshole than you feel is really you

8. Smile 10% more than you normally do

9. Allow the void to consume you 10% more

10. Lead for 10% more — instant date, moving the girl around on the street, setting the date for the date, …

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10 ideas to get you get back on the daygame horse

I went out this morning and while I had good intentions and even did some behind-the-girl jogging, I did not approach.

And so I faced facts and admitted to myself that I’ve fallen off the daygame horse once again.

It’s time to pick myself up and climb back on. But how?

Here are 10 things that were happening the last time I succeeded:

1. I went out first thing in the morning

2. I gave myself easy and manageable goals (“Just approach one girl, give her a compliment, and you’re golden”)

3. I used the “negative stripline” to goad myself on

4. I stayed in non-stressful areas that still had some traffic

5. I took breaks to rest physically and negotiate with myself

6. I accepted what I am doing is not scalable and doesn’t have to be scalable

7. I stayed out as long as it took to do the number of approaches that I’d set for that day

8. I approached the first girl or very early after going out

9. I went back to places where I’d been having success before

10. I went to bed on time the night before and slept as well as I could

So there are some things that I can try again. Thing is, I actually approached a girl in the afternoon today, when I was coming back from the gym.

I ran after her, stopped her, told her in a halting but unstoppable way that she looked nice. I said goodbye and as I was walking away, she yelled after me

“That was very nice, keep doing what you’re doing.”

So there you go. A bit of motivation. But these kinds of nice and spontaneous and random encounters don’t happen on their own. They happen because you’ve gone out at other times, like a maniac, just to struggle against yourself and to approach girls.

Which is what I’m going to do again tomorrow. Using the 10 techniques above. (Negative stripline: “That’s what you say tonight. You will probably fail tomorrow because fear will engulf you. Why do this to yourself?”)

If you too face a sometimes overwhelming approach resistance, then I hope some of the above ideas will help you break through as well.

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Lifetraps, control, and daygame

I’ve been struggling with approaching again.

Partly, it has to do with the absence of women around town. It’s August 1st today, the peak of the summer season, and the city has finally emptied out.

But something else is going on, too.

I’m not exactly sure what, but most likely, it’s the same old stuff. And when I look at it more closely, it’s a weird combination of factors:

A need for control…

Over things I cannot control (eg. how an approach will go)…

Born out of a fundamental lack of trust in myself…

Which goes back decades to some childhood traumas.

“It’s just how I am.” That’s the easy conclusion. “I keep trying to change but I’m just not strong enough.” That’s an idea that keeps popping up into my head.

So today, I just want to bring up a book I’m reading right now, which addresses this exact situation.

It’s called Reinventing Your Life, and it’s written by Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko. These two are psychologists or psychiatrists or therapists (I never know which is which) who seem to specialize in people who suffer from fixed patterns of destructive thoughts which they calls “lifetraps.”

Lifetraps are long-running.

They are destructive.

And they seek to reinforce themselves.

All of this makes it hard to change a lifetrap and escape its grip.

But according to this book, it is possible.

And if it is possible, it’s certainly worthwhile.

So if you too are doing daygame, but you are actually struggling with deeper, fundamental issues as well, the book might be worth a look. I’ve found it very helpful so far.

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2 daygame problems creep up again

I went out in the afternoon today to do daygame since I had only done one approach in the morning.

And I did nothing in the afternoon.

The only good reason why would be that I was already tired and my will was depleted.

But I don’t think that was it.

Instead, I think it was two culprits that I’d already faced in the mornings recently:

1. I had a time limit, when I know that at this stage time limits don’t help me.

2. It was a story I told myself, or rather a spell I cast on myself, saying that I am not ready or able to do this.

I will fix this. Soon. But first I will go back out in the morning tomorrow to do all the approaches, and to fully regain that good feeling I’ve been building recently.

And the lesson for you, dear reader: the same basic problems keep creeping in. That’s a good thing. Because you just have to keep an eye on them. Once you’ve managed to conquer them once, you will be able to do it again — as long as you spot them in time.